out of all of the thoughts and emotions that i go through, i think there’s one that sticks out more than any other when i think about what i hate the most. they are the times when i can’t figure out my thoughts and emotions or why i’m thinking about them.
yes, i know that last paragraph was insanely confusing. welcome to my head.
yesterday i got off of work at around 4:30. i thought cool, i may actually be able to do something tonight. yeah, that didn’t happen. from 4:30 until about 12:30 when i went to bed, i had one conversation with another human being and that was with my dad on how to fix my water heater. other than that, i had no contact with anyone else.
wait, take that back, there was a really short old guy that knocked on the door to see if i wanted to buy some tomatoes.
anyways, back to the story. half of the time i was at home the internet was out so it was just me, the tv, and blue like jazz. i’m used to doing nothing with nobody. i’ve done it my entire life. i’ve learned how to entertain myself and get by without human contact. you live and adapt. that’s not what this is about.
throughout the night, as i had time to clear my head from work stuff and school stuff and life stuff, i just started thinking about stuff. nothing in particular. just stuff. it just so happened that the chapter i was on in blue like jazz was talking about being alone and things like that. this got me to thinking about how i was alone and in some small sense, a little lonely. not big time lonely, but i wouldn’t have minded a little company.
after thinking about this for a little bit, i remembered back to even as recent as a year ago. when i would get alone and start thinking about stuff, i’d start to get a little down. i’m not talking about the depression stuff, but just a feeling that’s hard to explain. maybe sad is a way to explain it but that really doesn’t do it justice. it just felt down.
and for a few minutes, for some weird reason, i missed that feeling. i don’t know why. i still don’t know why. i think maybe it’s because i knew what that feeling was and i had become somewhat comfortable with it. it got to the point where that feeling was normal. i knew that the feeling i was thinking about led to worse feelings, but for some reason, i missed it.
after a few minutes, i pushed those thoughts aside and started thinking about something else. i don’t even know what the something else was but it wasn’t that.
fast forward to today at 4:30. my roommate had left for work a little earlier and a friend of ours had just left. from that time until about 9:30, it was me, the tv, and blue like jazz all over again.
then tonight i went to a movie. there were five people i knew there and one other person i didn’t know but everyone else did. still, sitting there in a theater, i felt like the only person there. i don’t know why. i just did. i didn’t have a problem with it but it did feel a little weird. on the drive home i started thinking about that and realized that on thursday night, when a bunch of us went out to eat, i felt the same way. i was just in my own world half the time drowning in my own thoughts.
there are some feelings that you know why you feel them when you do. when the pretty girl that you have a crush on walks into the room, you know why you get a little happy. when the pretty girl that you have a crush on walks into the room with another boy, you know why you get a little disappointed. i don’t know what these thoughts mean. i don’t know why i have them. i don’t even know if they bother me or if, in same strange sense of the word, i like them. that’s what i hate the most.
there are thoughts in my head that i know why they exist. i know what they mean. i know that as i type this, i’m in love with a girl that doesn’t exist. i know that as i type this, i have struggles that i have to rely on god to help me with or else i lose daily. i know that as i type this, i love life right now but i’m so scared of the future because i don’t want to fail. i know that as i type this, i am jealous of the people that are in relationships and are moving towards that next step of growing up. i know why i feel like this at times and i know how to handle these feelings.
the ones for the past day confuse me though. i don’t know what they mean or why i’m having them. i don’t know why i’m perfectly fine zoning out in the middle of a table of ten people. i don’t know why i wanted that feeling of a year ago to come back.
i’ve reread what i’ve written so far twice. i sat here and tried to think of how to end this post off. i generally try to make a point or have something to wrap it all up but tonight i don’t have that. i got nothing.
say your prayers and take your vitamins.
have a nice day.