no we don’t see eye to eye anymore

i was that kid.

i was that kid that was forgotten about. the one that they said they’d call but got caught up and never called.

i was that kid that people thought, “man, what is he doing here?” when i walked up. or maybe they thought, “who told him?” either way, i was that kid.

i was that kid that people went out of their way to not talk about something around. you know, the one where when i walked up, people started talking about something different. or they started mentioning “that thing” but wouldn’t ever said what “that thing” was. it was just an inside joke or something like that.

yeah, i was that kid.

and i knew it.

the more i look back at it, i really think i would’ve rather had them just say, “hey, we’re doing this but we don’t want you to come” instead of trying to be secretive about it or hiding it from me. yeah, it would’ve hurt, but at least they would’ve actually told me instead of lying to me.

tonight i saw this scene playing out right before my very eyes. the only difference was this time it wasn’t me. i was in on it. they were trying to get me to go along with the scheme to leave someone out.

“hey, we’re doing this but we’re not talking about it because we don’t want that kid going.”

it took a second, but then in my head i just wanted to slap somebody. really? were we really doing this? was this really happening?

worse yet, was i going to be involved in it?

no.

no i wasn’t.

i couldn’t let myself do it. i couldn’t be a part of something that i hated so much growing up. so i started asking out loud, multiple times, what we were doing. no one would tell me. they just laughed and tried to leave. so i sat there asking over and over what we were doing. finally someone walked over to me and whispered to me what was going on.

“oh. cool. go tell that kid.”

i think i may have even had to repeat that. i don’t really remember. either way, i just couldn’t live with myself if i was a part of that. have i done things like that before? oh heck yes i have. i won’t deny that. i’ll be the first to admit i’ve been that jerk that didn’t tell somebody what was going on because i didn’t want them there.

i just couldn’t do it again.

i mentioned in my last post on here that i’ve been trying to legitimately live out this “love god. love people.” thing. one time last month there was about 20 of us out to eat at a restaurant. i was the last one to get there. i looked around and there were a few spots where i could’ve sat. something caught my eye though. at one end of the table was about four or five guys sitting together. while the other 13-14 people were talking and hanging out and having a good time, these guys looked like they were on an island on their own.

so i sat with them.

it was a little weird, sure. everyone kind of gave me that, “you’re sitting with them?” look at one point during the meal. as weird as it was, i actually had a good time. we had a good conversation. we talked the entire time and it really wasn’t any different than if i had been at the other end of the table.

and the coolest part was while i was sitting there i could feel god working in me. it was almost like he pulled up a chair beside me and said, “hey, this is exactly what i’m talking about. good job.”

the kid tonight ended up not showing up. i don’t know if something else came up or if he figured it out on his own. that wasn’t the point. i couldn’t put him through what i went through growing up. i couldn’t be one of those kids.

i don’t say all of this to brag or toot my own horn. i hope to god it doesn’t come across like that. more than anything i’m just amazed that i can think like this. i’ve always been pretty selfish. i always thought of me first and how things would benefit me. seeing myself become the person i’m becoming is something i never thought could happen. i’m growing up in front of my own eyes and it’s crazy.

i just can’t wait to see where it takes me next.

say your prayers and take your vitamins.

have a nice day.

-jonathan

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