don’t be afraid your secret’s safe with me

one of the most common comments i get from people about this site, and really the only comment i get from people about this site, is that they really like how open and honest i am and that they like how i don’t really hide anything. to me it’s really cool to know that there are some people that read this thing and at least somewhat enjoy it. if you’re one of those people, thank you for reading and letting me know you read. it really means a lot to me.

now, to the point that i was actually going to make.

tonight i got the urge to write. i actually got it last night but wasn’t really sure what to write about. then tonight the urge came back. i’m driving home thinking of what to write about and what i could talk about that would be interesting.

i could talk about how i’m excited for the first football game tomorrow night.

or maybe i could talk about how nervous i am about the first football game tomorrow night.

or maybe i could talk about school.

or maybe i could talk about the fun that i had tonight.

or maybe, just maybe, i could be open and honest about tonight.

and that’s what i’m going to do.

i went out tonight. by “out” i mean i physically left my house and went somewhere else for an extended amount of time. i even thought about what i was going to wear, put cologne on, and looked at myself in the mirror. this is the first time i’ve done this in, well, forever.

my general day consists of waking up, pooping (what, too open and honest?), taking a shower, going to work, coming home, and then likely having no physical contact with a person until the next day at work. i’m not complaining at all, that’s just how my normal day goes.

so tonight was a little different.

i went to a friend’s house for a cookout slash bonfire slash pregame “we’re tired of working and want to have fun” thing. and it was fun. there were probably 20-25 people there. we threw the football around a little bit, grilled up some chicken, some hot dogs, a few brats, and a couple of hamburgers, broke out a few of the tailgating games, and built a bonfire that literally reached 25 feet into the sky. then, like all good cookouts, it ended up with about 7-8 friends sitting out on the deck just talking.

and it was fun.

we laughed a lot. we ate some really good food. i won two games of beco ball. i talked to some of the people about some really cool stuff. we traded stories and laughed about things that had happened before. we talked about pretty much everything under the sun.

and it was fun.

i was tempted to come home and write about all of this. i could’ve talked about how funny some of the stories were or how good it felt to just sit with some friends on a deck in the middle of nowhere and just talk. i could’ve made some feel good point about “make sure you stop and be thankful for the good times you have with friends” or something like that. it would’ve been easy to do and would’ve likely been a half decent read.

but it wouldn’t have been completely honest.

throughout the night i just had this feeling inside of me. it was almost like that feeling i used to get where i would just shut myself off right in the middle of a party or dinner or something like that. it wasn’t that feeling, but it was like that feeling’s distant relative.

i would be doing something and this feeling would pop up. it didn’t stay there for long but it came back quite a bit. i never completely put my finger on it to figure out exactly what that feeling was, but as the night went on it got more and more obvious.

i felt like something was missing.

i had a great night. i had fun doing some of the stuff that i like doing the most. i was with friends. i was eating great food. i was doing the things that every normal 22 year old guy is supposed to enjoy. and i was enjoying them.

but i felt like something was missing.

i don’t know what that something is. that’s the part that i still can’t get my finger on. i know that i should just enjoy the moment and focus on the things that i did enjoy, but this is kinda stuck in my head.

i don’t know when i’ll figure out what it is that i’m missing or even if i ever will figure it out. i don’t even really know if i want to find out what it is. what i do know is that i’ll go out and enjoy the search to find it. i’ll go out and have great nights where i can be thankful for what is there while still searching for what’s missing.

and it’ll be fun.

say your prayers and take your vitamins.

have a nice day.

-jonathan

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