we once walked out on the beach and once i almost touched your hand

i wasn’t going to write this. i sat down to write it two other times and talked myself out of it. yeah, i know one of the things people like is that i’m honest but in my head, i said there are some things that i’m just not ready to admit. i don’t want people to know about them. i don’t want to deal with what people may think of me. i don’t want people to know that i think like that so i’ll just keep it to myself. this can be my thing. but it kept popping up in my head. i knew that i wasn’t going to be able to stop thinking about it unless i put it out there. so, well, here it goes.

the other night i wrote that “throughout the night i just had this feeling inside of me…i felt like something was missing.” in that post, i never talked about what that something was. i even said that i didn’t know what it was and that i couldn’t get my finger on it.

the truth is, i knew exactly what it was. it just weirded me out because i hadn’t thought like that in such a long time.

that something was actually a someone. no one in particular, just someone.

i’ve written on here a lot about me getting over my last girlfriend. i sometimes think i’ve written on here way too much about it. while i’ve been over her for a while, i was never ready to move on and even think about dating again. i just couldn’t do it. i wasn’t ready.

i don’t know for sure that i’m ready for that step yet, but i can feel myself getting there. tonight i sat back and thought about it. in the past week or so, i’ve started thinking about just the idea of dating again. i look back at the way i’ve been dressing and stuff like that and while there’s no huge difference, i noticed that i’ve been paying attention to what i wear and the way i look a lot more than i had in the past thirteen months. it hasn’t been in a vain way, i’ve just actually wanted to look semi-nice.

everyone who knows me knows that i think like a girl. it’s the way i operate. relationships (and not just dating) are big to me. it’s the way my mind works. i’ve always been that guy that even when i was 14 heard, “you’re gonna make a great husband one day.” it was weird at times (and still is) but it’s something i’ve heard my whole life.

the reason i point that out is because for the last thirteen months, relationships were the last thing on my mind. i wouldn’t let myself get close to anyone in any way. i would write a lot of junk on here but in terms of putting my trust in people or in relationships, that wasn’t happening. i wasn’t ready. i had opened myself up and trusted someone more than i had at any point in my life and they threw it back in my face. i wasn’t about to let that happen again.

i can sit back and see that changing. i’m not saying i’m going out and looking for people to date. i’m perfectly content being single. sure, i would absolutely love to meet a girl, fall in love with her (and her with me this time), get married, make little jonathans, and live happily ever after but i’m not out looking for it.

but i can see myself not being as hesitant to open up to the people around me and beginning to actually trust them.

i can see myself starting to be able to look at people as being genuinely good again and not thinking the worst from the get go.

i can see myself letting people in to that place where they could hurt me.

i know that when the timing is right, i’ll meet that girl and all of that other stuff. yeah, i’m tired of waiting and i know i might have to wait a little while more but, she’s on her way. and she’s getting here as fast as she can. (anyone else know that reference?)

i know that and i’m perfectly fine with it.

i know that for the first time in thirteen months, i’m ready for the possibility of it happening.

everything is a step to something new. being able to just say this is one more step in growing up.

and as the ataris once said, being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up. these are the best days of our lives.

say your prayers and take your vitamins.

have a nice day.

-jonathan

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3 thoughts on “we once walked out on the beach and once i almost touched your hand

  1. DCtalk also said… we’re just two hunks…. haha good read big guy. I’m glad to have been part of the healing process 13 months ago. i’ll be up there to see you guys in less than 2 weeks.

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