i’ve sat down to write this entry two times already. each time that i did, i ended up clicking refresh on facebook about 37 times instead. maybe somebody added new pictures in the 2.6 seconds since the last time i clicked on the picture icon. or hey, there’s a kid that i had one class with back in my freshmen year of high school. i wonder what they’re doing now.
basically, i didn’t want to write what i’m going to write.
this blog has become my place to let things out. i average about 30 views per post. sometimes more. sometimes less. it’s not like i’m telling the whole world my problems but i’m at least getting them out in the open. one of the hardest parts about getting over my last relationship was the idea of making myself vulnerable. that’s part of what i’m doing with this. i’m purposely making myself vulnerable just because i can’t let things build up in me anymore. when i do that, things just don’t turn out well.
one of the reasons i didn’t want to write about this is because in some way, it makes me feel like a whiner. at the same time, it makes me feel like i’ve failed in some sense (and i don’t even know what i’ve failed at to be honest). then on the other side of this, it felt like if i dwelled on this then it was an open door for the depression junk to sneak back through.
but the real reason i didn’t want to write about this is my pride. i always feel like i have to be the fun guy and the person that entertains others. i’m always the guy to help solve your problems and make you smile. that’s who i’ve always been. when i strip everything away though and really look at things, one thing keeps coming back to the forefront.
there. i said it. it’s out there. now i have to explain it.
i say that i’m lonely, and that’s what it really feels like, but i don’t know what i’m missing. i know some really awesome people and have fun with them when i’m around them. i do some really fun stuff and i’m involved in things that are exciting. i’m tight with jesus and spend a good amount of time with him.
but for some reason, i’m lonely.
the other night i spent about thirty minutes laying in bed just talking to god. i laid everything out there to him just to get it out in the open. i said that before anything, i knew that he was always there and would never leave and that i could go to him at any time. i wasn’t lost on that fact. i knew that and still know that. but after that, i told him that i felt like i was missing something and that i didn’t know what that something was. I don’t feel like i was complaining to god but more letting him know what was going on and what i was feeling. that’s what i’m doing here. i’m not complaining about being lonely, just getting it out there in the open.
i’m growing up and i’m changing. i’m changing a lot. with that comes weird emotions like this one. for a while i thought that being lonely was the same thing as being depressed but i’ve realized that it’s not. i’m happy. i’ve got a good job, classes are going well, and i really don’t have anything to complain about. i just feel like something is missing.
i’m sure that me and god will have a few more conversations about this. i’m sure that i’ll have nights where this feeling bugs me more than it should. i’m sure that there will be times when i don’t understand this feeling.
but more than anything, i know that there’ll be a time where i don’t feel like this anymore. i’ll find whatever it is that’s missing. the coolest thing about god and the fact that he’s always there is that eventually he’ll open my eyes to the reasoning behind this feeling and that eventually he’ll provide whatever it is that i’m missing.
for now though, i just have to wait.
and patience is not my strong point.
say your prayers and take your vitamins.
have a nice day.