for the second night in a row, i had something completely different ready to write and post on here. then, right before i was going to write it, something else came up that made me change my mind and write about something else.
i was joking with a friend on facebook tonight. i made my status say something about how i had no plans for new year’s eve and was perfectly fine with that. one of the comments i posted on it was that i wasn’t ashamed to admit that i was a loser. then later i said that i embrace it because it makes things more fun.
for one reason or another, that got me thinking about things. last night i wrote that in 2009, i got back to being the person that i’ve always been. even more than that, god took who i truly was and started shaping and forming that into something that i had no clue that i could become. god has changed my heart and my mind more in the past year than any other year in my 23 years on this earth.
tonight i kind of want to add onto that.
in later october of 2008, when my ex finally said “there’s no chance that we ever get back together” i was left in a weird place. i didn’t know what i had done wrong. she had told me that i was the perfect boyfriend. at the same time, my job was pretty much non-existent. i hated school. i hated life.
i had just turned 22. i graduated college five months earlier. i should’ve been happy with where i was in life. i should’ve been excited about life. but i wasn’t. i didn’t know who i was. i didn’t know where i was going. more than that, i didn’t even know who i wanted to be or where i wanted to go.
i was confused on so many levels that i didn’t know where to start at to start figuring it all out.
luckily for me, god was there just waiting for me to ask for help and ready to point me in the right direction. he knew exactly where to start and what to unfold first.
over the last year, i’ve found out who i was. i’ve found out where i was going. i’ve found out who i wanted to be. i’ve found out where i wanted to go.
but more than all of that, i’ve embraced it.
for the longest time i tried to fit in. i wanted to be a christian and live a christian lifestyle but i still wanted to fit in with the cool kids. i wanted to be accepted by them. i wanted them to think that i was as cool as they were. sometimes i even made compromises because i thought i’d fit in better. then one compromise led to another and before i knew it i was living a life of compromise instead of a life of freedom.
i’ve always spent a lot of time alone, ever since high school. it’s just the type of person i am. it bothered me for so long. why couldn’t i be the one that always had somewhere to go or someone to hang out with? what was wrong with me? did i smell bad? did i look funny? was i not cool enough? what was the deal?
when all of the stuff with the ex happened, all of those questions were magnified ten fold. they led to a huge battle with depression that took me months to get over.
i still spend a lot of time alone, but now i’m perfectly okay with that. it doesn’t bother me anymore. i know that in god’s eyes, i’m awesome and quite frankly, that’s enough for me. i’m more appreciative now of the times i do get to hang out with friends and the things i get to do with them.
instead of longing to do more, i’m grateful of what i’m able to do.
instead of wondering why i’m not good enough, i know that i’ll never be good enough but jesus loves me in spite of it.
instead of compromising to fit in, i am who i am regardless of the situation.
and that’s my challenge to anyone reading this. stop trying to be something you’re not and embrace who you are. god made you that way for a reason.
think about it – when you know who you are and what you are it makes it a whole lot easier to enjoy life than if you’re always trying to be something that you’re not.
so in 2010, embrace who you are. thank god for the way he created you. if you can do that, i don’t see how you can go wrong.
say your prayers and take your vitamins.
have a nice year.