i’m just a glimpse of the hope you see in me

do you ever have times where you’re just frustrated? for really no reason or anything, you just feel little things frustrating you? tonight has been one of those nights.

i don’t think there’s one reason contributing to it. there are a few things that i see going on that i think have simply piled up and come to a head tonight.

i didn’t go to church this morning. it’s not that i didn’t want to go, i just didn’t have a place that i wanted to go to. i say that and i wonder how many other 20-somethings there are in this town that would be interested in going to church but don’t feel like there’s a church for them here. i’ve got to think that i’m not the only one. i know that eventually i’m supposed to plant a church here but i also know that the time for that isn’t now.

but what about the people that aren’t being reached now?

what about the people begging for a church that “gets” them but can’t find it?

why do i have to wait? why can’t i do it now? we need it now. we needed it five years ago. c’mon god, what’s the deal?

and then there’s the girlfriend (who, if i’m allowed to be cheesy for two seconds, is amazing). we want nothing more than to put god first in our relationship. we want to make it about god and not about us. unfortunately, we’re just 20-something-year-old kids who can be selfish at times and know that in 22 days, we won’t get to see each other as much.

we’re trying to take advantage of the time we have together.

we’re trying to be two kids falling for each other.

but sometimes that gets in the way of god.

and we realize that.

but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. that doesn’t mean that we’re not struggling to find that balance between us and god. and that doesn’t mean that we get it right all the time.

but we’re trying.

and that’s more than in any other relationship i’ve ever had.

on top of all of this is the idea that in 22 days, i’m going into full-time ministry. yeah, i know i’m called to do it. yeah, i know that god’s given me certain gifts and abilities so that i can be “successful” at it.

but i also know that i suck and that i screw up a lot.

i was up until four in the morning talking to nicole about this last week. i don’t get why god picked me. i don’t understand why i was the one that he looked at and said, “hey, i’m gonna put you over a bunch of students and it’s your job to tell them about me.” why didn’t he pick that kid over there that puts scripture and quotes hillsong and fee in his facebook status? why didn’t he pick that kid that spends 30 minutes when he wakes up and before he goes to bed every single day doing his quiet time?

why did he pick the kid that sometimes forgets to do his quiet time and would rather quote jimmy eat world or brand new than kim walker and david crowder?

i don’t know the answer to these questions. i don’t know why or how long god wants me to wait before i plant the church in king. i don’t know why it’s so hard to lead a godly relationship and keep my focus on god and not the girl. i don’t know why god chose me to do this ministry thing full-time.

but i do know he’s told me to wait.

and i do know that he wants to help us keep him first.

and i do know that he chose me.

i don’t know why god does the things that he does. there’s a good chance that i will never know why he does the things that he does. truth is, as much as i say i do, i’m not convinced that i want to know why. i probably couldn’t even comprehend it even if god e-mailed me in the morning with all of the answers.

i don’t think god minds us asking him why he does certain things as long as we trust him and praise him and continue following him. he knows we’re going to get frustrated and that we’re going to have questions. just like my dad loved explaining how things worked or why certain things happened when i was a kid, god loves for us to turn to him and trust in him to show us the right way to do something.

i might be frustrated tonight, and i might be frustrated tomorrow, but i know that god’s never going to leave my side and he’s going to be there to lead me through the frustration.

being frustrated might not be fun, but knowing jesus is still there through it all is pretty stinking cool.

and that’s enough to get me past the frustration.

say your prayers and take your vitamins.

have a nice day.

-jonathan

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