i started this blog in march of 2009. it’s now four years later and most of the people reading now had no clue i even existed in 2009. on fridays, from now until i run out of posts, i’m going to be reposting some of my favorite posts from when i started writing until i got to knoxville in 2010. it’s my story of growing up. hopefully you enjoy it.
(originally posted march 23, 2008)
“I’m becoming such a church nerd. It’s really weird.”
I said that to Megan tonight. It’s the truth really. For years, I ran away from this idea of going into ministry. I wanted nothing to do with it. I told God I’d go to church and serve and that stuff, but I wanted to work in sports, or I wanted to work in real estate, or I wanted to work pretty much anywhere other than a church. I remember talking to Ashley and telling her that I thought ministry may be where I was being called to and that it scared the crap out of me. She was the first person I had ever admitted that to, and even then it was weird to admit it. Two months ago I gave in and stopped trying to change God’s mind. I said I would listen. I stopped the car, got out, walked around, jumped in the passenger seat, and said here, you drive. Since then, it’s been an interesting ride.
All of these thoughts and ideas I have had over the years that I didn’t know what they meant have come to the forefront again and they actually made sense. All of this stuff about church that has just pissed me off growing up have come back, but now I’m seeing how that’s not how church is supposed to be. Church as I knew it growing up isn’t the way church has to be.
The way I’ve changed mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and any other “ly” there is (beside physically, I’m still fat) is so weird/awesome/surprising/scary/great/crazy/confusing/peaceful/and other adjectives I’m not smart enough to know. Just a few examples:
– I’m looking for ways I can help people. And I truly mean people. I don’t care who it is. I’ve started looking for ways to make an impact. If it’s a friend who is having a bad day, I try to think of something small I can do to make it better. I’ll buy a friend ice cream just for the heck of it. I’ll sit and talk and truly listen to someone just so they can have one to listen to. I never did any of that stuff.
– I used to battle with depression. People who know me well, know that. If you’ve read through my notes before, you’ll see where I’ve mentioned it or talked about something. That doesn’t happen anymore. Things with the ex? Who cares, doesn’t bother me anymore. Things from my past? Who cares, doesn’t bother me anymore? Feeling lonely? Who cares, doesn’t bother me anymore. And that brings me to the next thing…
– I’m alone. A lot. It’s just how I am. It’s how I’ve always been. My social life is basically Liberty sports and that’s it. Other than that, I’m at my house a lot. And a lot of times it’s by myself. That used to get me really down. That’s one of the things that used to depress me a lot. I hated it and didn’t understand why I didn’t have people to hang out with. That’s not the case now. I’m by myself as much if not more than in the past, but it doesn’t bother me. As cheesy and churchy and annoying as it sounds, I know I’m not really alone. When I get by myself and start to not like it, I just talk to God. And strangely enough, God talks back. I’d never known what that was like. It’s pretty frickin awesome if you ask me.
Two months ago, I was trying to figure out how I could get a job. I was looking for anything I could, especially at Liberty. I was content with putting off school a little bit if I were to get a job that could pay the bills and allow me to save some money. Now, fast forward two months to this past Friday. I had to make a decision. I had been offered a job by Liberty. It was just going to be a part time job, but still would be better monetarily than what I had now. However, I knew God was calling me into ministry and, well, I’ve got no experience. I’d applied for a couple of internships for this summer but hadn’t heard back from anything.
I’m sitting there trying to decide do I go with the sure thing in a job and money and that stuff, or do I go try and get an internship that’s not guaranteed? Two months ago, that’s a done deal. I’m taking the job and not looking back. Instead, I turned the job down. It’s the biggest step of faith I’ve ever taken. As of right now, I don’t have an internship for this summer. I only know of two or three places to even apply to right now. However, I have no doubt in my mind that something will be worked out because this is what I’m supposed to be doing. That feeling in my mind is so weird and is going to sound like I’m crazy to a lot of people, but it’s the truth.
I wrote a while back that I knew I was on the verge of something great, but I didn’t know what. I said I wanted to start a revolution, but didn’t know how. I was going to impact the world, but didn’t know in what way. Now I know. I was singing along in church this morning just like everyone else when I closed my eyes. I stopped singing and took in the moment. Then I opened up and told God I’m ready, let’s go. Let’s do this. No more holding back. No more apprehension. It’s time to do it.
Ok, Jonathan, that’s great and all, but why have you written this much about all of this crap that quite frankly, most people don’t care about?
The answer is simple really. I can say all this stuff to God. I can pray it and mean it. However, just like when someone becomes a Christian, I needed to publicly admit it. I’ve hinted it and all of that, but I’ve never come out directly and said it. I’m saying it now. This is that admission. It’s game on. Let’s go start a revolution.
But first, say your prayers and take your vitamins.
Have a nice day.