let your love be my companion in the war against my pride

last week i felt like i was in high school all over again.

i was younger than everyone all through school. having a mid-october birthday meant that i beat the deadline for my grade by two days. if i was born two days later, i would’ve went from the youngest in my grade to the oldest. because of that, i didn’t get my driver’s license until october 25 of my junior year.

and because of that, i had to rely on my friends for a ride to pretty much everything.

in the beginning of that junior year, some friends of mine were in a band and were playing a house show across town. two of my friends told me that they were going to go over to the house, help the guys get set up and do a sound check, and then they’d come pick me up before the show.

it was literally a seven minute drive from my house to the house they were playing at.

the show started at seven so i was told they’d pick me up sometime between 6 and 6:30. i showered and got ready and waited. 6:00 rolled around and i waited. 6:15 rolled around and i still waited. 6:30 rolled around and i kept waiting. then 7. then 7:30.

i ended up waiting the entire night because they forgot about me and never showed up.

my friends forgot about me. they were too busy having fun together to remember to bring me along. they didn’t seek out to say, “screw jonathan” or anything like that, but they ended up doing just that.

and last week, all of those feelings came rushing back.

i walked outside to my car around lunchtime to see all of my friends’ cars lined up but none of them were in the building. in my mind, the first thought that hit me was, “they all went to lunch without me.”

every thought from high school filled my head.

every piece of hurt and neglect started jumping on my back.

every emotion that i haven’t felt in years suddenly took over my every thought.

i got upset. i never once stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t as bad as i was thinking. i immediately let the past thoughts win the battle in my mind.

i never confronted any of my friends once they got back to work. i didn’t want to be “that guy.” instead, i listened. come to find out, i jumped the gun in my brain. they didn’t all go to lunch without me. in fact, they didn’t all even go to lunch together. one guy went to lunch with a family member. one guy had a doctor’s appointment. a couple of them had to run buy something and picked up lunch while they were all out.

they didn’t forget about me.

they didn’t go without me.

they didn’t say, “screw jonathan.”

in that moment, i realized that i wasn’t in high school anymore. i remembered that my friends are better than that now. i was reminded that every single minute of every single day is a battle for my mind.

you have a past. you’ve been hurt. you’ve been picked over. you’ve been taken advantage of. you’ve been any number of things.

you are not a victim. you are not a slave to the past actions. you are not bound to those hurts and feelings.

today may be a good day. it may be a rough day. regardless of how it’s going, you need to be ready for a fight. you need to be ready to fight for your thoughts. you’ve got to go to war over your mind. if you don’t, you’ll find yourself questioning every single thing that every single person does.

you are more than your past hurt.

you are greater than your past disappointments.

you are stronger than your mind realizes.

fight for your thoughts. fight for your feelings. and fight for your encouragement.

say your prayers and take your vitamins.

have a nice day.

-jonathan

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